A little about Garrick

Here are a few things that we love (and are learning to love) about Garrick:

He LOVES to dance in his underwear... in fact, he loves to only be in his underwear all the time. 

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Ninja Turtles, and Star Wars are his favorite shows. 

He has to have his pacifier all the time (hopefully we will let that go relatively soon).

He is super bossy and the biggest tattle-tale!

He likes to follow me around and repeat what I say to Gus and Ruby as if he is second in command. I have to constantly remind him that "Mommy is boss".

When he wants to tell you something that he feels is really important (like tattling on his siblings) he goes all out! Hand motions, sounds, English and Chinese mixed together. It is hilarious.

He sings Twinkle Twinkle Little Star... in a minor key.

He and Ruby Claire are becoming best buddies. They both have bonded over their true love of the pacifier.

He has the funniest dance move. He shakes his pelvis and waves his hands in the air. We are convinced that someone over there was teaching him how to impersonate Elvis.

He loves dinosaurs and every time he sees one he says "Dinosaur Rowr!", he also loves to run around the house pretending he is one.

He has learned all the right things to say when he knows he is in trouble: "Yes, Mam" "No, sir" "No Garrick! Gus/Ruby!"

He is very possessive of anything that belongs to him.  

He will still sing "Happy Birthday to you" every time he gets to eat cake.

He really enjoys car rides and gets upset when it is over.

I've never seen a kid drink so much milk in my life. We go through a gallon every 2 days.

He will eat noodles any time of day (like 6am). He also prefers chicken noodle soup over raman, which he calls "Horse Noodles"... I don't want to know why.

He does a really good Kung Fu impersonation.

He is very good at sorting and matching toys. I plan on getting him to help me with the sock laundry soon ;)

Whenever he and Gus are together, you can bet they are up to no good!

He gets excited whenever he sees any super hero but Spider-man is his favorite.

He loves to be tickled, kissed, and hugged and he loves to give affection back.

His smile can light up a room.

He is strong willed and determined, which I believe has served him well these past few years.

His favorite foods are watermelon, salad, cucumber, noodles, vanilla yogurt, chicken nuggets and apple juice.

And last but most important... we are in awe of how the Lord has provided through our son an earthly reminder of just how great, wondrous, and good he is. Whenever I fear or doubt the unknown, or the impossible, I look at Garrick and I see God's overwhelming love and grace in our life. I cannot be anything but thankful.

Christmas Sillies

One Month Home

This past weekend marked one month since we have been home. Honestly, it does not feel like it has been a month. If I'm to be honest, it has felt like a blur. Exhaustion and stress will do that. But we have made good progress in just the past week as a family. We are finally starting to venture out and begin working on trusting outside of the home.

We went to church for the first time today. Garrick did great. He walked right into class with Ruby Claire and did well with the other kids (No hitting! Score!). About half way through the class they came and got me because he wanted to know where I was. I was so grateful they listened to his concern and followed through. He needs to know I will be there, he needs to know his teachers will come get me if he asks, he needs to know church is a safe place.

These were big steps for us, and often when we make big steps we have regression. Unfortunately, by the time we got home Garrick became defiant and went into a full blown inconsolable rage. He finally wore himself out enough that he fell asleep and when he awoke his crying began again. On and off again for the rest of the day his emotions swayed like a ship in a storm.

I would like to explain that this is not surprising to us. This is very normal behavior for children who have come from hard places. My son is grieving, so when he cry's and fights or melts down he is acting out from a place of deep loss and hurt.

"Behavior is a form of communication. Who we are, where we’ve been, and what we want others to know all direct our responses. While all children act out or shut down or lose tempers or cry from time to time, what each one is communicating with that behavior might be different. While all children display certain behaviors, not all children have lost their parents to death or abandonment or addiction or disease. Not all children have been uprooted from the home or country or familiar voices in the womb to live out the rest of their days in a different home and maybe a different country and with a different mother. Not all children have witnessed or experienced abuse or neglect or malnutrition. Not all kids have learned that adults aren’t always trustworthy, home isn’t always safe, and family isn’t always forever." --Shannon Dingle

Is it easy going through hard times even if you know the reasons behind it?

No, it's not. It's not easy to deeply love a person who just few weeks ago was a stranger but is now your family. There is so much to learn, so much to take in, so much to catch up to. So many expectations to let go of. So much ground to cover.

It is easy to get frustrated. It is easy to not want to comfort my son when he is throwing a fit on the floor because he doesn't want to watch the same t.v. show as his siblings or eat the food that has been made. It is easy to want to parent him just like I would my other children if they were to behave in such a way. It is easy to demand obedience.

But I can't because his frustration, need for security, and control are coming from a wound that is so deep he cannot bear it. And so it begins to overflow and burst open at the slightest hint or memory of that loss, and he has never been given the emotional tools to be able to stop it. They were stolen from him.

These times are hard. Loving people who have been hurt is hard. And showing love when you are wounded and hurting is even harder. So I have to meet him in the brokenness. And for me, that means I have to hold my son while he screams and cry's and hits. That I have to tell him he is loved and safe over and over again. That when he shouts at me to leave him alone and go away I have to tell him that Mama will never "go away". That when he needs a "time out" we have a "time-in" together.

We are making progress as Garrick had gone a few days without a meltdown. Going to church was new and exciting for him, and for my boy, new and exciting things cause anxiety and the remembrance of just how much he is not in control. So next week we will try again, and the week after, and we will try to take this new normal a step at a time. And, hopefully in six months or so we will look back on this time and say "Look what the Lord has done!"

The Harmonious Period

When you go to China to adopt, the day you get your child is called "Gotcha Day" and that day begins a 24 hour period that they call the "harmonious period". Basically, if in 24 hours you decide you no longer want your child you can give them back with no repercussions. Not a very apt name, is it?

Now you may be asking, "How can someone work so hard and do so much, go all the way to China, and not come back with that child?"

I don't know. I've read of stories though. Stories that crush your very soul and make you weep that "ugly cry" that no one wants to experience. I will not judge those families as I've never been in their place. I hope to never have to be in their place. I'm grateful I wasn't.

But I can tell you that the child you have in those first 24 hours is not your "real child". They are just as scared and anxious as the parent receiving them. And they use whatever coping mechanism that has helped them survive up until that point. Garrick was all smiles for the first 2 days we had him. Steven and I looked at each other like "is it really this easy?"

Nope.

Those first two days we were all putting on our best behavior. Garrick didn't really believe he was staying with us, which was evidenced by him gathering every item we gave him in his little backpack to take with him whenever we left the room. He skipped from place to place, he smiled for every picture, he charmed everyone in our group with his personality. But he never cried... not even when he hit his head on the hand rail in the elevator. I was astounded that he kept those tears in and shoved that much pain down. I knew it was not going to be contained for too much longer.

Then came the third day. Garrick was playing with another little boy in the hotel lobby when he fell and hit his head hard on the marble floor. I scooped him up right away while he finally let out a cry from the pain. Then he began to wail. For 20 minutes I sat on a luggage cart in the Hilton Hotel lobby letting my son scream out his pain. Not from his head but from his heart. We finally had to get on the bus and Garrick decided at that point he wanted nothing to do with me. He wanted to sit next to Steve. He sat stoically looking out the window for a few minutes and then tears just began streaming down his little cheeks. He didn't even make a sound.

That was the beginning of walls coming down. Our harmonious period as a new family was up. Honeymoon over.

From then on Garrick was outright defiant or would just ignore us completely. Which can be very difficult for parents who expect their children to obey. But who were we to him? Why should he have to listen to us anyway? They say you need to just survive in China. "Give them what they want" in China. But we couldn't with him, he was all over the place, and would have got himself and others hurt. We had to be parents. I truly believe he had never heard the word "No" before.  Now I'm glad we set those boundaries early because we have needed them at home!
 My son would bite, hit, or walk up to another child and poke them in the eye for no reason. He would have a full blown meltdown over the tiniest things and he could not calm himself. We are still battling these "orphanage behaviors" on a daily basis. Garrick tends to revert back to infant behavior when he does not get his way or if he is reprimanded for something. It will take holding, rocking, and drinking a sippy cup of milk for him to relax. This happens multiple times a day.

But today we had less meltdowns. Today we had more playing with the siblings instead of tormenting them. Today we had some bright moments. Today was a good day. Tomorrow will probably go back to being hard. But I know that things are coming together the way they need to. I see my son learning to trust me and that is a beautiful thing.

It isn't always harmonious... but who ever said it would be?

China Travel- Day 1

Our first day of Travel started out very early but we got to the airport with enough time to get breakfast before we got on the plane to Detroit. We flew Delta Airlines and it was very comfortable with lots of free amenities that made our 15 hours in the air so much more bearable. We even were able to check two bags per person for free.
When we got to Detroit we met up with another family in our group who was on the same flight as us. I was so thankful to meet them, it always feels better when you know you're not the only people doing something crazy =)

We flew over the Arctic and Russia. It was amazing looking down and seeing massive mountains covered in snow, huge frozen bodies of water, and what looked like cracks in the ice that were probably massive ravines. Uninhabitable frozen wilderness, It was a true sight to behold and not one I think I'll ever forget.

Once we landed in Beijing we handed off our bag of supplies for Show Hope to one of their reps who met us at the airport. Then we met up with our agency guide, George, who is a very amiable character, with a big smile, and often jokes about his broken English which he calls "Changlish".

George got us settled in our hotel, helped us exchange some money, and pointed us in the direction of a good noodle restaurant. Our new friends Mary and Jeff joined us for dinner and we had a great time ordering way too much food, telling stories and jokes, and just getting to know each other. It felt like we had been friends for years. I've been told the families you meet on this adventure become friends you have your whole life, I can now see how that is possible.

After dinner, we then braved the local 7-11 and got some needed essentials. I also found some KinderEggs for the kids (Gus will be overjoyed). Then we headed back to our hotel room to sleep. I passed out at 8pm our time, woke at 3:30am, and then again at 6. I was glad to get so much sleep but it still did not feel very restful. Pray for us as the time change and jet lag is really hitting us hard.

To our precious friends & family,

To our precious friends & family,

We are overjoyed at God’s grace, but we also realize this will be a season of adjustment for our family. We know that each of you reading this letter has– in some way– supported, loved and prayed for us. Many of you have expressed how excited you are to meet him. Because we know your care for Garrick and our family, we want to share with you some information that we hope will best equip everyone around him to assist us in laying the strongest and healthiest foundation – emotionally, physically and spiritually. In many ways, Garrick will be like the children who entered our family through birth; we will seek to bring all of them up in the instruction and discipline of the Lord. However, there will be a few, initial differences in the way we have parented in the past. Because you will play a vital role in helping Garrick settle in, heal, and lay a foundation for the future, there are a few important areas in which you can help us:

• The first is to set physical boundaries. We cannot WAIT to see some of you at the airport when we arrive home!!! Keep in mind... It is imperative adults limit what is typically considered normal, physical contact with Garrick. This will (for a while) include things like holding, hugging and kissing. Children from orphanage and foster care settings are prone to attach too easily to anyone and everyone – which hinders the important, primary relationship with parents. Waving, blowing kisses or high fives are perfectly appropriate and very welcomed! Garrick should know that the people with whom he interacts are our trusted family and friends. He is going to love each and every one of you! 

• Another area is redirecting Garrick’s desire to have his physical and emotional needs met by anyone (including strangers) to having Mommy & Daddy meet those needs. Orphans often have so many caretakers that they, as a survival mechanism, become overly charming toward all adults. A child struggling to learn to attach may exhibit indiscriminate affection with people outside of their family unit. It may appear harmless and as if they are “very friendly” but this is actually something that isn’t good for the child. But until he has a firm understanding of family and primary attachments, we would be so grateful if you direct him to us if you see that he is seeking out food, drink, affection, or comfort. 

• You will notice that Garrick will probably have a snack of some kind with him. It is imperative that you NEVER take food or drink from Garrick. If he is in a place where he cannot have his snack, please come get Steve or me, and we will deal with it. Children who grow up in orphanages usually have issues with food since withholding food is sometimes used as a discipline tool. Many of these children have grown up not knowing when their next meal will be given to them. Food is security and we want to make sure we are providing him with as much security as possible. 

We are confident of this: God’s design is perfect. His plan for parents and children is a beautiful and meaningful picture of His love for us. Attachment between a parent and child occurs over time when a baby has a physical or emotional need and communicates that need. The primary caretaker (usually mommy) meets the need and soothes the child. This repeats between a parent and child over and over to create trust within the child for that parent; the baby is hungry, cries in distress, mom nurses & calms the baby – which teaches him that this person is safe and can be trusted. By God’s very design, an emotional foundation is laid affecting their learning, conscience, growth and future relationships. The security provided by parents will, ultimately, give children a trust for and empathy towards others.

Children who come home through adoption have experienced interruptions in this typical attachment process. The loss of a biological mother and father at an early age can be a major trauma on their little hearts. Garrick has experienced the loss of familiar and comforting caretakers as well as the sights, smells, and language of his birth country. When Garrick comes home, he will very likely be overwhelmed. Everything around him will be new and he will need to learn not just about his new environment, but also about love and family. He has not experienced God’s design for a family having lived in an orphanage & foster care setting. His world is turned upside down. He may struggle with feeling safe and secure, and he may lack the ability to trust that we will meet his needs. The good news is that we can now, as Garrick’s parents and forever family, rebuild attachment and help him heal from these emotional wounds.

The best way for us to form a parent/child bond is to be the ones to hold, snuggle, instruct, soothe and feed him. As this repeats between us, he will be able to learn that Mom and Dad are safe to trust and to love deeply. We are, essentially, recreating the newborn/parent connection. Once Garrick starts to establish this important bond, he will then be able to branch out to other, healthy relationships. Garrick will have, what may seem like, a lot of structure, boundaries, and close proximity to us. Although it may appear that we are spoiling him at times, we have been advised that it is best that we meet every need quickly and consistently. Please know that these decisions are prayerfully and thoughtfully made choices based on our personal research and instruction from trusted adoption educators and mentors. We will be doing what we believe is best to help him heal from those interruptions in attachment as effectively as possible. He may show his grief and confusion in many ways, and we are prepared to help him through it and prove that we are a forever family. You may also notice us tighten our circle a bit, stay close to home, and we may seem a little less available socially, for a while, maybe even months. 

Please feel free to ask us any questions at any time. We are learning too and are grateful that you are seeking with us to help Garrick feel loved, safe, and secure. Thank you so much for your love and support through this process so far. We are so truly blessed!

We look forward to seeing all of you when we return!
Blessings,

Steven & Christa

Have Courage and Be Kind...

I loved this tag line from the live-action adaption of Cinderella. I love seeing little girls with shirts bearing the phrase. I applauded Disney for finally giving our girls more than "A dream is a wish your heart makes" or "Dreams do come true".

Often times, when I talk to Gus about having courage and being brave he will say "But, Mommy i'm sacred!" and I would say to him, "Being brave means doing something you know is right, even when you are scared". It is easy to say this to our children or to others, but not so easy when we ourselves are faced with our own scary situations.

We live in a broken world and often our dreams do not come true. The Grimm brothers got it right, not Disney. And this is a reality that we need to teach our children. So what happens when you are called to something that is hard? When the journey is filled with pain and adversity and the people that you think will be your support system are not? This is where Disney got it right: "Have Courage and Be Kind".

Many times in my own walk I do not behave with the obedience of Abraham or the devotion of Job. I behave more like the Cowardly Lion than the courageous Aslan. But that is OK.

It's OK to be scared, what matters is doing what is right. Just yesterday, my good friend Jeni reminded me of this when I told her how much anxiety and fear I have been dealing with surrounding our adoption. And her words were a balm to my soul.

"I'm sure you're scared. It's a huge deal. But you're right just to tell yourself to be brave---you can't be brave without being scared! So really it's perfect, right?... I can imagine all of the details can make you feel inadequate but I really believe that in some situations, love is all you need. This has been planned out for you to accomplish and you have Christ's light in you. He will fill in the gaps."

Isn't that the truth! It reminded me of when Moses was commanded by God to speak but due to his speech impediment he argued with God:

"Then Moses said to the LORD, "Please, Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither recently nor in time past, nor since You have spoken to Your servant; for I am slow of speech and slow of tongue." The LORD said to him, "Who has made man's mouth? Or who makes him mute or deaf, or seeing or blind? Is it not I, the LORD?…"

Moses was brave and yet he was scared. He did as God instructed and God worked in a way he did not anticipate by using his brother Aaron to be his mouth. God filled in the gaps.


God continues to fill in the gaps for our adoption. Most of the time he waits until the last minute...but isn't that the way he always does things? He called us to this and we have obeyed even with much fear, anxiety and trepidation. Even when we didn't see the way, he has met every need. And his plan is beautiful. God designed this story as a tapestry with many many threads all intertwined. We didn't have a pattern to follow or a list of instructions. We only have faith and courage in the ONE who does.

Our story is not over because really it is just beginning. I'm scared. I'm scared to fly across the ocean, to be away from my other children. I'm scared to meet my new son and watch him hurt and grieve. I'm scared that he will not like me. That sounds trite, I know... but it is a fear. There are a lot of fears and most of them are things I cannot control. So I keep reminding myself:

Be Brave, Have Courage and Be Kind. God will do the rest.