Dear First Mama

Dear First Mama,

Here in America we have a day called Mother's Day, on this day woman all over the country are honored with flowers, cards, and lunches. It is a small celebration for the magnitude of what it means to raise up a child and watch them grow. It is a celebration I wish I could share with you. 

 I know you must wonder about the boy who is missing. Is he alive? Is he healthy? Is he loved and happy? I know the memory of him must haunt you. 

Our son has suffered such a great loss. He has experienced the terror of being abandoned and alone. He had cried, called out for you, and no one but a stranger answered. He was taken to a strange place and spent the nights crying and the days waiting for you to come back. He has endured the very worst of what it means to lose a parent. He will spend the rest of his life trying to heal those wounds and make peace with his past. He will wrestle with questions that may never be answered. It is a burden that no child should have placed upon them.

I want you to know that I hold no anger towards you. I am angry at this world. I am angry at a world where sin and brokenness run rampant and destroy families. Where children are abandoned in crowded train stations because their parents have no choice. I will never know all the circumstances that led you to make that painful decision but I do know that you had run out of options.

Our son was so sick. So very sick.

And what you did that day saved his life.

Saved. His. Life.

Do you know that sweet first Mama? 

Our son, yours and mine, is alive because of your selfless courage. The magnitude of your sacrifice is not forgotten by me. You carried him for 9 months and cared for him for 2 years. You did the best you could for him. You will always be honored in our house. Our son will always know that his first mama was a brave woman, a selfless woman, a woman to be held in high esteem. There is no doubt in my mind the love you have for our son. I promise he will know that.

Our son is so funny! He loves to make us laugh. I am convinced you too must have a sense of humor. He has brought so much laughter and joy into our home. And is he stubborn! He is fierce and strong-willed. He is a survivor, just like you.

He is so handsome- he has the most beautiful dark brown eyes, his black hair actually has strands of dark red in it that you can see when the sun shines on it. I know you must be beautiful. I often look at him and wonder what features are yours.

I want you to know that we pray for you every day.

We pray that some how, some way, you learn about Jesus Christ and just how much He loves you and gave everything up for YOU.

He knows your heartache very well, First Mama, very well.

Oh we pray you know Him.

We pray that He binds up the gaping hole that was ripped into your heart the day you said good bye to our little boy.

Oh China Mama, He can and He will.

He is in the business of restoring what the locusts have eaten.

He will heal your broken heart,

and one day...

One day, we will hug your neck in heaven.

I pray this over you every day.

Happy Mothers Day First Mama

***This post was inspired by a post by my sweet friend Kelly Payne.

Our first Easter all together...

A year ago, our Easter was filled with sadness; there was an ache in our hearts, a piece missing- a longing for our son to be home with us. But this Easter was the fulfillment of all the things hoped and prayed for. Steven and I watched as our three children's eyes lit up at the sight of their Easter baskets, when they came bursting out of their classes talking about how "Jesus was dead but now he is alive!" and to see the pure joy of finding dandelions and blowing them in the wind. 

They spent the rest of the day playing together and eating their candy. I watched as Garrick picked out all of the pink Starburst candies from his basket and gave them to Ruby Claire because he knew they were her favorite, she gave him her chocolate bunny because he loved eating his so much. Gus exclaimed "This is the best Easter ever!" and we couldn't have agreed more. 

This evening at dinner Steve turned to me and said "they really love each other now, don't they?" 

"yes, I think so". Just like the flowers blooming all around us our children's affection for one another is flourishing. Spring has come.

Welcome home, my Love.

This is what Show Hope does...

Today the mail man dropped off a very large package and in it contained three folders bursting with Garrick's preschool crafts from Maria's Big house. I did not expect this at all and was quite taken aback at first. Every project from 2013 when he was admitted was beautifully displayed in individual plastic sleeves. Some projects even had little notes written on it like "Garrick only wanted to color today". As I went through each page my heart was so filled with joy to have this piece of his past life. When he first came home I felt so overwhelmed with how much I didn't know about him. How much of his past is such a mystery to me. And, I've had to piece all the parts together to try to see a big picture. But no matter what I do there will always be pieces of his history that I cannot answer for him. There will always be gaps in his life puzzle.

But by God's grace, he continues to provide ways to fill in some of those gaps. And this was a big one!

With each page I just kept thanking God for this gift. This is something my son can physically touch and know he was loved and cared for even before he came to us. That though what he has endured is terrible, there were people in his life who cared for him enough to save every scribbled little coloring page.  

So when he is asking "why?" at age eight, sixteen, or fifty I can put these books in his hands along with every other document I have, and say with all truth "I don't know. It's not fair. But you were loved and you are loved".

 Thank you Show Hope. Thank you Maria's Big house. Thank you to the Renich family. Thank you for caring for my boy when I wasn't there. Thank you. 

A Child of the Covenant

Last week we were so blessed that our friends Rev. Matt Lowe and his wife Cindy were able to come visit us and baptize Garrick. They have been our close friends and mentors for many years and have baptized both Gus and Ruby Claire. To us, the act of Matt baptizing Garrick was another visible sign that Garrick is our son, and with that, he has all claim and rights to our name as do our other children. Our son will no longer hold the title of 'Orphan' in any way, shape, or form.

For people who don't know us personally, we hold to the Reformed faith. We believe that the Bible is the authoritative Word of God, without error in all that it teaches.
We hold to the beliefs, which are contained within the Bible and reflected in the Westminster Confession of Faith and the Nicene and Apostles’ Creeds.

We believe Baptism is a sacrament ordained by Christ. It is a sign and seal of the inclusion of the person who is baptized in the covenant of grace. Baptism with water teaches that we and our children are conceived and born in sin. It signifies our dying to sin and our rising to newness of life by virtue of our union with Christ in His death and resurrection. It also signifies and seals to us cleansing from sin by the blood and Spirit of Christ. Since these gifts are the gracious provision of the triune God, who is pleased to claim us as His very own, we are baptized in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Baptized persons are called upon to assume the obligations of the covenant; Baptism summons us to renounce sin and the world, and to walk humbly with our God in devotion to His commandments.

Although our young children do not yet understand these things, we believe they should be baptized. We do not believe baptism is a means of salvation. But, we believe the promise of the covenant that was made to Abraham is also made to believers and to their children, as God declared to Abraham, ‘And I will establish My covenant between Me and you and your descendants after you in their generations, for an everlasting covenant, to be God to you and your descendants after you (Genesis 17:7).’ Under the New Testament, no less than in the Old, the children of believers, have, by virtue of their birth, an interest in the covenant and a right to the seal of it. The covenant of grace is the same in substance in both the Old and the New Testament, and Baptism has replaced circumcision as the seal of that covenant (Colossians 2:11,12). 

Our Savior admitted little children into His presence, embracing them and blessing them, and saying, ‘Of such is the kingdom of God (Mark 10:14).’ The grace signified in baptism is not tied to the moment of administration. Scripture teaches that our children are covenantally holy before their baptism (I Corinthians 7:14). Baptism applies the promises and obligations of the covenant to our children, and calls them to personal repentance and faith as they come to years of understanding. 

It is our duty before God to raise our children in a community of faith in the nourishment and admonition of the Lord. We believe that our actions as parents have eternal consequences. We look to our church to join us in that endeavor by supporting, encouraging, and praying for us. 

We pray that as they grow, their little hearts will continue to be drawn to Christ and the lessons they have learned will take root and produce fruit. That they will, in turn, accept him as their Savior.

We believe that God waves his banner of love over them, that he brought us together- even a half a world away, and that he will do a good work in them. That is the promise we hold to, and we believe that it will not return void. 

***Eventually I'll get the video to upload but it is a massive file.

Two Months

Two months ago this week we were in China standing in a brightly-colored room with many other anxious parents-to-be. We all hovered around the door waiting for our children to arrive. As soon as a nanny was spotted holding the hand of a little girl with pigtails, shouts rang out "A little girl is coming!" and in walked a scared little beauty and in just a few seconds she was swept up into her Daddy's arms and she was suddenly a daughter.

 One by one each child arrived slowly, many who had to travel from far distances and took several hours to get there. Exhausted, emotional, hyper, crying, solemn. Each one experiencing loss not for the first time but the second.  The day they were abandoned and now the day they lost everything they have known since that point. So much loss and brokenness mixed with love and hope in one room. 

When Garrick arrived I spotted him right away but could not get to the door through the other families wanting to see if he was their son. All I could do was step back and wait for the crowd to part, saying over and over again "that's my baby". 

The past two years of praying, waiting 8 months for his file, the past year of paperwork, social worker visits, doctor consultations, hours dealing with insurance, 17 grant applications, working everyday but Sunday, endless trips to FedEx, saving every penny, t-shirt sales, garage sales, whatever-it-takes sales. All of it led to this moment:

 Our little man did not hug us or give us kisses, in fact we didn't even get to hold him until after we got on to the bus to go back to the hotel. He smiled at us as he stayed next to his Nanny while she told him we were his Mama and Baba. Then he ran away! There was a slide and play area in our meeting room and he ran to it immediately with not a thought of anything else. I don't even think he ever said "goodbye" to his nanny. The next few hours he played while we signed papers. And then we were on the bus to go back to the hotel as a new family.
The next day he was officially ours.

Receiving our official Adoption Declaration

This was the first moment he willingly let me hold him

Our Travel group

The past two months have been harder than I could have ever imagined. But it also has been so rewarding. Watching Garrick become attached to us- concerned for his siblings, needing his "Mommy" to kiss his boo boos or just to get a hug and kiss, to witness the happiness he expresses each time he sees his "Daddy" is so beautiful. Two months ago he did not notice or care for another child but today I watched him help a little girl up the stairs of the McDonald's play area, helping to lift her up to the places she couldn't reach or warning her "Careful Baby" of areas she could fall into. He continually sought out his brother and sister to see where they were and make sure they were okay. Watching him grow as a person is such a beautiful picture of redemption and I am more than grateful the Lord chose me to witness it.

He continues to make more progress everyday and so have we. God has been doing a work in my own heart and growing my love for Garrick on a daily basis. When my other children were born I had those first months to hold them, and snuggle them, breathe them in and bond with them. It was so natural and easy for that motherly love to fill me up and overflow. But upon adopting a 4-year-old  those things do not come naturally in an instant. I loved Garrick from the moment we decided that he would be our son. But you cannot fall in love with a picture, a picture has no emotion or personality, you must fall in love with the person. These past two months I have intentionally tried to show as much motherly affection towards him as I can... sometimes even when I didn't want to.
Today he came up hugged me and said "I love you Mommy" as he sunk his face into my chest, I breathed in his smell and said "I love you too". "That's my baby"...He became my baby in that moment just as Gus and Ruby Claire have been my babies. I am seeing the bonds of love wrap our hearts together as a mother and son's should and once again I am in awe of God's redemptive beauty.

My New Years Resolution

The last few days I have thought a lot about events this past year. There have been plenty of times where I've felt like I was standing on the edge of the Red Sea, staring at an impasse, no way out and no way to go forward. No idea what to do except put my trust in God and look fear in the face with assurance that he has led me to this exact spot for his purpose and glory no matter how dire the situation looks. And I've watched him show up and part the sea, perform the unbelievable, and I've been in awe of him and his ways.
And yet, I find myself right back on that beach to stare at the insurmountable course in front of me. And I tremble with fear because maybe this time he won't part it, maybe he will make me stand on this beach forever, or maybe I'll finally succumb to those who wish to harm me. And that sea is terrifying.
But it's not terrifying to God. God commands that sea. So my prayer for 2016 is that each time I stand on that beach and the water rises, whether it parts or it consumes me, I will rest in him and I can say "it is well with my soul".